


1,2

by qmisato



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-31
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-13 13:31:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9125779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/qmisato/pseuds/qmisato
Summary: 3 conversations with 1 and 2.





	

"they made you into a weapon, and told you to find peace."

\- s.z

Asuka reached for the door.

Asuka prepared to knock.

Her hand paused, an inch from the surface, before she snatched it back and spun on her heel. Asuka took three steps away from the door and then halted herself.

What would walking away mean? Surrender. To walk away lay defeat. It would mean she was afraid. 

That would not - could not - do. Turning back towards the door, Asuka reached out again. And then turned away. While her back was turned, the door opened on its own accord.

"Second."

It was a forever moment, infinitely long, indefinitely short.

Lamely she turned back, begrudging defeat written on her face. "Your homework."

 

**

  
Asuka didn't bother slipping off her shoes. Before she could take stock, words were spoken soft, though firm, barely more than a whisper.

"The door is still open."

"What?"

There was no response beyond a sense of unfathomable depth in the gaze. Rei sat herself on the edge of her bed.

Finally the words found meaning to attach themselves to. Puzzlement turned into exasperation, which in turn broke out into an eyeroll. Dumping her bookbag on the floor, Asuka crossed the foyer and slammed the steel door, stopping just short of making it an insult. She locked the dead-bolt for good measure.

It was then that she appraised Ayanami Rei's room.

It was small, even for an efficiency apartment. It contained just a bed and a nightstand, side a tiny bathroom and kitchenette. It was also something of study in substratal decoration, or the lack thereof. Various parts of the apartment were, seemingly at random, either in disarray or disturbingly clean. The kitchenette was spotless, except for a single cup left in the sink. The bed could be considered near-military neat, save for the pile of discarded clothes next to it, spilling out of a bloodied cardboard box. Small heaps like cigarette ashes in a smoker's home. Asuka saw the blood, then pretended not to.

Everywhere there were books. Books sorted by subject, size, and author, all above a desk that had so many stacks of paper they ceased to have singular identity. Prescription bottles littered the nightstand and there were cables hanging forlorn from the ceiling, cables used to tie up drying socks.

Asuka was scandalized. Asuka was disgusted, horrified, aghast. She gestured at everything and nothing in particular, with exaggerated motions.

"What is this place? You _live_ here?"

"This is my room. Yes."

Their gazes locked, the cool and impassive evaluation meeting the glare of incredulousness masking despair.

"Where's your closet? And your clothes? You can't tell me you don't have any clothes, at least!"

The words carried something of a dare this time, volume lending a degree of challenge too loud to be implicit. _Ayanami Rei, I dare you to tell me you have no clothes. I dare you to advertise how utterly and fundamentally pathetic you are._

"My uniform suffices."

Rei advertised how utterly and fundamentally pathetic she was, as she did time and time again. Like clockwork. Asuka hated how it didn't make her feel any better.

"Can't you try to be normal?"

"I cannot be anything else."

"That's the rationalization of someone with no willpower!"

_Pot, I dare you to call the kettle black._

"It is not a matter of will."

 

***

Rei stood at the roof, watching the students in the school courtyard below. Class had let out and streams of bodies began pouring out of the building. Social groups reformed from the chaos, clumps that reached critical mass and broke way from the main. The din of gossip and chatter, punctuated by calls for attention.

Rei attended to it all, each and every day, an invisible specter, untouched by the maddening normality. Each and every day, the patterns that governed their laughter, their smiles, their movement, eluded her. Understanding fled her. Sometimes she thought that if she could only watch for long enough, she'd be able to decode some deeper meaning. Maybe discern some underlying principle to the seemingly-arbitrary constellation of social interaction.

As she observed, Rei became aware of a voice. Even if she were trapped in a cage with a thousand screaming children, she'd still be able to pick out the voice. It was always loud, demanding attention, never subtle. It was a  _red_ voice, if Rei were allowed to attribute it to a color. The Second.

Indulging herself, Rei simply watched her profile, as if to commit it to memory.

_So you're saying you don't have the will to change?_

Not noticing she was speaking aloud, Rei responded to the memory. Still Asuka's voice lingered. "No. Perhaps the knowledge."

_What the hell do you need to know?_

"I do not know," stated Rei to herself and Imaginary-and-Incredulous-Asuka.

Rei looked at Asuka again, from the safety of the roof. Asuka trudged along, walking home alone. Asuka lived with Ikari-kun, and Major Katsuragi. Asuka was walking home, to a room with a closet filled with clothes.

Rei's eyes returned to the courtyard.

"There is nothing more to say." 

  

  
 ***

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rei reached for the door.

Rei prepared to knock.

Her hand paused, an inch from the surface, movement strangled in its crib. Self-doubt was something Rei had little use for, but now it stilled her hand. What would walking away mean? Walking away from the Second, a fellow pilot, would mean to... neglect, some semblance of duty. Perhaps. Perhaps it is her duty as a pilot, no matter how volatile their conversations.

No matter how volatile Asuka's palm, striking her face.

Though not for Rei to fully know or understand, she had experienced pain like Asuka's pain. And she took Arael down, despite their conversations and the pain and the slap. Her feelings on that, her feelings on Asuka in general, are not things she thinks of often.

She should. She must do this. She - wanted - to do this.

_It is not a matter of will. Maybe want._

Rei restarted, but not before the door slid open on its own. Asuka lay her medical bed, hair tousled beneath her like a pool of blood. Red, red, red. Ready to spurt from the body. Ready to speak at the slightest provocation. Asuka did not look at her. Rei realized then, that she really didn't care for the color blue, either.

"First."

It was another forever moment, infinitely long, indefinitely short.

Rei stood like stone. "Are you unwell?"

The silence in the air smelled of a girl not humbled, but crippled.

"Are you here to relish in your win, _honor student_?"

"I wanted to ask if you were unwell. Hallucinations are a common sign of--"

Asuka sat up in against the bedboard, the circles begirding her eyes stretching in shock. She swallowed once, unbelieving of what she'd just heard and its implications, before her nostrils flared. Still, she did not look at her.

"--What are you saying--"

 "--severe mental stress." Rei finished lamely. Inwardly, she understood the distinction between talking _to_ , _at_ , or _over_ someone.

"I wasn't hallucinating! Are you calling me crazy?"

Silence. _Crazy_. That is not what she had said. Rei did not know what-

"Well? Just say it!"

"I do not know--"

_I do not know what to say._

"Shut up! You do know! Everyone knows!"

"I--"

"Get out!"

_Get out!_

__Get out!_ _

___Get out!_ _ _

____Get out!_ _ _ _

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"how can a subject give an account of its own ruin?"

\- giorgio agamben

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> new years' gift fic for goodmourningu. i'm not going to pretend this is anything more than a haphazard and clumsy collection of drabbles, but i tried to infuse it with some heart. i hope i succeeded on that front, just as i hope you have a great 2017.


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